How women use kids as a weapon against husbands to get money.

I created this article to describe my current situation and give some tips to other men. I am divorcing my wife and she refuses me so see my son and uses him as weapon to get money. For last 10 years of living together, most of time she didn't work. Every time, I asked her what is she going to do, I never got answer. I was ok with it and was happy to support my family. Personally, I am fine if wife is staying home and does something to help husband to maintain family, but some women do not want work on purpose. I started look at this problem and found some information:


How women use kids as excuse.

I found very good article about some women, who don't want work and use kids as excuse:
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/15/excuses-your-wife-uses-for-not-working/
here is one part from it:

Some woman never wanted to support herself. She played at working as a plan B, trying this and that, until plan A (that would be you) gave her a way out. For some women having a child was a reason to stop working.
Her real goal has always been to have someone take care of her financial and material needs. Ironically, this is also the type of woman who complains bitterly about you working too much and not spending enough time with her or the kid(s).
Just to get you off her back, she may take a very part-time job answering phones, being a “designer,” or volunteer work, but she has no real career aspirations beyond being a dilettante.

Some comments from article above:
1) One guy is talking about his friend: Now they are divorced and he’s sending her $5000 a month (for child support, tax free to her of course) and she still complains. No matter what he does, she is unhappy, blames him for her miserable life and unfortunately, unloads all of her distress on the children. She is very manipulative and uses the kids to try to control him and indeed, throughout their marriage, that was the main issue: she was always trying to control him.

2) I don’t think it’s the man’s responsibility to support another, educated adult who is capable of working. I think it is the couple’s responsibility to support each other and any children they create.

Here is another article, which describes women, who use kid as a weapon (such women have complex):
http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/05/17/does-your-wife-or-ex-wife-have-a-golden-uterus-complex-15-characteristics-of-the-golden-uterus/
some statements from that article above:

Once you have sex with a such woman, she owns you for life. She believes that if she gave birth to your children, you are “connected for life.” She should always come first (even if you’ve both remarried) and YOU OWE HER until death you do part.
This also applies to the children. She wields guilt over their children with staggering virtuosity. “I am your mother. I carried you for 9 months. No one will ever love you like I do. No one will ever break our bond. No one will ever come between us. I CARRIED you in my WOMB for NINE months. YOU can NEVER do that for me.” (I heard many times statement from my wife: "I had being sitting for 2 years with our kid. It is your turn now.")
Such woman uses motherhood as an excuse. “Becoming a ‘mother’ is the her excuse for EVERYTHING. She can’t work because ‘mothers don’t work.’ My husband HAS to give her all of his money because she’s the mother of his ONLY child. She lost all identity as a woman and used becoming a mother as her free ride in life”.
Even after their children are in school full-time, she still uses the kids and being a mother as an excuse not to work outside the home and often not to work inside the home. “You have no idea how stressful it is being a mom.” Um, the kids are in school all day. What do you do with your time? “You always minimize all the hard work I do. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.”
Um, the breakfast dishes are still in the sink when I get home from work in the evening. The laundry is piled up and the kids haven’t done their homework. What did you do all day? “HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT ME. I’m THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN!”


What can you do if the mother of your children has such complex?

There’s nothing you can do to change her. Nothing. She’s highly unlikely to see the light and morph into a reasonable human being and good mother. Your goal, as with all high-conflict abusive types, should be containment. You accomplish containment through establishing iron-clad boundaries. Learn to say no and then practice deafening your ears to the caterwauling.
Don’t let her use your children as an extortion mechanism. Don’t allow the children to view you as a human ATM machine. In other words, don’t reward your children’s bad behavior with money, gifts, trips and other goodies, otherwise, they will view you the same way that their mother does. I know many fathers are desperate for time with their children and use toys and expensive entertainment as bait. Trust me, this is not the relationship you want with your children. It’s a quick path to time with them, but it’s an unhealthy and impermanent one.
Decide exactly how much bad behavior you’re willing to tolerate from your ex and what offenses you want to pursue in court. Forget about co-parenting with a such woman; it’s next to impossible. You will be less frustrated if you try to parallel parent. A such woman will undermine you at nearly every turn. Expect it and plan for it.

About my current personal situation

I am a good parent, who always cared about family but one day this happened: 1st April - Fools' day or how my wife sent me to jail

I menationed at the beginning of this article that I am divorcing with my wife and she is refusing me to see my son. I mean she is not letting even communicate with him at all - no phone calls, no pictures. I have full right to be with my son and my son has full right to be with me. I love my son and he loves me. It is very hard for me - adult, but what about kid? The law is working the way, so you have to hire lawyer in such situations. What I am doing now, is trying to get family court order to see my son. Government shouldn't close its eyes on such problems. It is abnormal when kid leave in the same city with parents and cannot see both or one of them. Both parents should participate in kids' life even after divorce. I very hope that will get court order to see son.

I simply want my son spend time with me and I want make his live brighter.
It is almost end of August and school time is on the horizon, so he needs to be ready for that.
It means that clothes and school accessories should be bought for him. Hockey season is coming too (my son plays hockey - Vaughan hockey league) and it is a time to make registration for hockey league and by equipment. But how?? He grew up and I don't even know his size..... I don't even know will my wife bring him for hockey games or not.

Every year my son has dental examination. I called to dental office and explained them situation that I can bring deposit for services and asked them to call to my wife about it, so she can bring him and doctor could check his teeth. My wife simply refused appointment.????? I don't even know what to do.

Interesting fact about people around me: Everybody is interested in what is going on in my criminal and divorce cases - it is no more than entertainment for them. Everybody is giving advices, which would never do it by himself being in my situation. Everybody sorry for what is going with my son and me, but trying not be involved in it. People, who could talk to my wife is not aware of it anymore. Looks like it is expected and it is normal for the society. People are talking about friendly environment and good society at TV and newspapers, people even care about poor kids in Africa. What about our own kids? Why do you think that it is normal to isolate kid from his father just because wife wants money or she is angry at husband?

I had many discussions people around me and was shocked that some of them think like "Many people do such thing as your wife to have power on husbands. Why don't you give her money and she will give you son? You are the man!!!".  What I understood that money it is the main reason why she is not giving my son to me. Actually, there is another reason - she is angry at me regarding my articles (I made comment below about it), but I think it is her cover (some kind of protection from people's bad opinion about her). I even asked "what if I don't have money? What if became poor? What if my son simply wants see me and I want see him? What about kid's soul? Why do you measure everything in money only?..." - I didn't get answer.

Looks like nowadays people think about money only. There is nothing saint anymore.
I don't have problems to support my son financially and happy to do it, but my wife should start think about live on her own. My wife is playing role of a poor mom now, who doesn't have money even to feed our son. She simply uses him to make public opinion against me. She knows that if my son would be with see me one a week, he would be happy and I would supply him with what he needs, but she is keep doing that bad thing because she needs money but not food. She doesn't even think about kid.

My wife knows that my son will be happy with me and cannot accept it. She told my friends that normal people should support their families - I totally agree on that, but can only tell that there is no our family anymore - she ruined it. There is only my son and me - it is my family now. I would do anything to make his life easier, but will never support her as before. I am send child support via my lawyer on monthly basis and putting money to my son's personal bank account. I asked many times my wife before to sell the house, put all money to son's account and I would support my wife for a while. I understand that life is a challenge and if we couldn't live together, let’s give everything to kid and start new life. She didn't accept my offer - she wanted to have money in her pocket. She already hired lawyer and those money will be paid off from the house sell. It means that son will get nothing.

The problem is that my wife is not working or may be working but it is not enough for her life style and expects me to supply her money desire. I feel that even if I start give her money, in half a year she will tell me that it is not enough and will do the same thing as now - do not let me see my son. I have read many forums and articles - people are confirming that in many cases women do exactly the same thing as I described. I talked with my wife, before our family got into the problem, about here unemployment, so I asked her to start look for job and be independent in financial aspect. I told her many times that If you don't work in Canada, even if we split property by 50/50, it will be zero in less one year (It has only 50k in downpayment). My point was: "You should be independent and be able maintain yourself and son if you want live separated, especially with kid" - She sent me to jail instead of it.


What advices you can hear from people around you?

1) Make her bad in front of law because she is using your kid against you.
2) Give everything (money) to her and forget her.
3) Be strong - everything will be fine (common advice - very generic. It is the same as somebody is cutting your hand and telling you - relax, everything will be fine).
4) You guys hate each other and there is only one solution is to change yourself - start respect her and give her money.

I can only say that almost none of these advices above work for me.

1) I don't want make anything bad for her because it will affect kid. I simply want participate in my kid's life.
2) I don't want support person, who fck.d me up.
3) I am trying to be strong, but my hurt is broken. As for fine days, by statistic it takes up to 3 years to forget about it for adults, but can affect whole kid's life.
4) I will never respect person, who betrayed me. I read many articles about how after divorce husbands start play actor's role, looks like they have been changed their feelings to her ex-wife.
There is only one reason for that - see their kids. As for me, I don't want to have fake feelings.

P.S.

As for articles about my personal situation: I heard many advices to remove everything what I wrote, related to my wife - it makes our relations even worse. First of all, I am writing about my life - facts and my thought. Second: there is no relations with my wife anymore. I am not going live forever. May be it is the only one chance to say something. I heard recently one guy who talked with his wife, who didn't give him to see his daughter for 8 months - I heard only fck...s. Women, please, do not do mistakes, you should understand that kids need to see their fathers who can care about them, so kids will fill life support.